This was a shitty week. A very emotional, shitty week.
Week 14 – 28 July to 23 August 2020
Cravings: pistachio gelato, watermelon, pizza, Chocolate, gummy bears
When will I stop feeling tired?!!!!!
(I did not write an answer)
Week 14 journal
I threw up on Tuesday morning, the first day of the second trimester. And ARGHHHHHHHHHH dang it. You do like to remind me that you are there little one.
I’ve been working okay at the moment and definitely feel better than I did in week 12.
It’s nice having your grandparents here as they do so much in the house. It’s very helpful. Your daddy has also been extra loving and affectionate. Your daddy baby, aka my husband, Matthew.
Your nanny or Nana (we haven’t decided yet if she’s going to be Nonna or Nonni, she didn’t know what to call herself.) She presented me with a wrapped gift. And she said it was something that your great grandmother, your dad’s Nana Doris, made for him when he was born.
I opened the package. And it was a stunningly knitted white blanket. I loved it. And it meant so much that she kept this for you. I cried as soon as I saw it. And this made your Nonna cry too. And we had the most lovely beautiful moment. It was so thoughtful. It’s moments like this when I feel very joyful and happy and excited for you.
The end of the week was hard and I was very emotional, somewhat because of the hormones but also because your mummy and daddy, me and Matt, were meant to be having a big wedding party this weekend on the Gold Coast. We got married, we eloped on the 29th of February 2020 to Mexico. And then we had a honeymoon in Belize, which was absolutely beautiful. And I’m so grateful that we had that! It was absolutely everything we wanted. It was the perfect day. And so glad we did it.
But the second part of our wedding was to be this party, where we had invited friends from all around the world. And friends from all across Australia to come and celebrate with us.
We were going to have a reception like event with drinks and food and party and dancing. And basically, once you’ve had the ceremony, it’s just all the bits after. We had a photographer booked, we had a videographer booked, we had this amazing venue in the Gold Coast called Miami Marketta, all booked. We had even planned to do photos on the beach with our family beforehand and then arrive at the venue. It was all planned out. It was going to be beautiful. A celebration of our life together with all our loved ones.
But when the COVID-19 pandemic happened, (I mean, it really sort of was happening in January, but seemed like it was isolated to some places and not going to get to the extent that it . Then in February, it was looking a bit worse, but still hadn’t really hit us. And then by March, it had definitely hit us and Australia went into lockdown in April. And it was in April that I decided to make the call. I just couldn’t see that by 1st of August, we were going to be able to have 100 or 120 people in a room. And it’s really hard to do. But we had decided that and I mean, at this stage you weren’t even on the cards!!
Well actually, we did have a little “scared”, which obviously I’ve covered off before. But we were planning to have a party and then a honeymoon and then potentially look at having you next year. But plans change. And so here I am! Pregnant, emotional and without my party.
So yes, all the plans changed. And we were looking at then having just a little family event. It was going to be just a dinner with our parents and siblings except Matthew’s brother because he couldn’t get back from Canada. And actually on Friday night we were going to have drinks at the same venue, Miami Marketta with about 30 people from the Gold Coast and Brisbane and surrounds and just have some nice drinks and some sort of celebration,to acknowledge the date – very informal.
But that week, things looked worse again. So even though we were out of lockdown and we were going out to restaurants and things, it just didn’t feel safe or a good idea to have people coming out for us. There had already been people who had said they didn’t feel comfortable going out to venues like that so they weren’t going to come which I totally understood, but I just felt so guilty and so responsible if everybody had come. I didn’t think it was right to invite people to come. Also, my mum and dad, your grandparents decided not to come as they were concerned for their health too.
But my brother and his wife, your Uncle James and Auntie Amy, had come which was really lovely. But that was all we could have. So we had your Nana, Nani and your FahFah we decided to call your grandfather, Bruce that – It’s the Swedish form of grandfather). That was nice and they are all very excited about you.
But it was a tough weekend for me. I felt really over the pregnancy, I felt really sort of self conscious about my body. And people started to know which I didn’t realise I would feel really weird about. I’ve found it so personal this pregnancy. The weekend was so hard and I felt so frustrated. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. So it’s just a lot of emotions. I cried, I shouted, I punched the bed, I cried some more – I was a wreck.
We did have a nice time in the end, but I was emotional. Also people started to comment about “the bump”.
Like they could see you already baby! As if they could see my baby, they could see my stomach growing. And I got quite upset about that! And protective.
People talking about my body. It does not feel very nice. And at the time, I didn’t think there was even a bump to talk about!! I had actually put up a photo because Danielle, my lovely friend had sent me a beautiful bunch of flowers for our wedding party. It was just a nice gift. I put up a photo and thanked her for the thoughtful gift and was showing off the flowers. I was wearing a patterned dress and standing in the lounge room.
Two people, who already know, instantly private messaged, thank goodness because I was still keeping it private at the time.
And then my Aunty commented on the ACTUAL post!!!
“oh, look there’s the bump? And What’s its name?”
What the actual fuck??
- To comment like that!
- To ask “its” name? Are you kidding me, am I actually going to put that on Facebook?
- It’s PRIVATE!! The post said nothing about the baby, the bump or anything else and I don’t even look pregnant.That’s just rude!
But that was really hard. And, and I just realised how private and personal I felt about it. I had actually thought I was going to maybe make the announcement on social media around 14 weeks about us having the baby. I thought at least that week I would email our wedding guests about the baby, especially as we’d have to move the date. There were about 220 people on the list. I mean, I probably told about 100 of those personally because they were close family and friends, but I just hadn’t “announced it
I really hadn’t thought I would feel this way about it. And I didn’t want to share and I didn’t want to put it up. And that’s very unlike me! I’m generally a very big sharing person. So it was a real surprise and a shock to me. And that’s just how it goes and you don’t know how you’re going to feel or how it’s going to be until you’re in it.
On Sunday, I threw up again. It was annoying. I really felt the sickness was mostly gone. The nausea has definitely gone down a lot. But I’m really over these mornings of throwing up and just unexpected sickness.
I’m trying not to focus on others and just try to enjoy this time with you little one. But this pregnancy thing is hard. It’s really hard.