Journal – Week 16 – 11 to 17 Aug 2020
Cravings: Gelato, haribo lollies, salad, lasagne, corn chips
Next appt: 19th August w/ obstetrician
- When do I have to stop laying on my tummy?
- – When do I stop laying on my back?
(didn’t get the answers to these questions)
I’m feeling much better physically and sickness wise this week. My mum called it saying that it would be around the 16 week mark. Physically i’m not throwing up, very rarely feeling nauseous, and just now tired and have headaches sometimes.
The other day I went to the kinesiologist. I love her and so glad I got to go. I cried quite a lot. There are some things I admit that I don’t enjoy about this process.
(Sharing this retrospectively, I think this is the first time that I really admitted this .. even though it had been hard from day 1, well 6.5 weeks – when we found out.)
“It’s a miracle”
And all that! But it is strange and a lot is changing for me and it’s full on.
I am mourning the life I had.
There is real grief here.
Of course there’ll be a lot of happiness but right now it’s all on me.
The responsibility, the pressure, literally it is on me – and in me!
I know I’m gonna love you more than anything (I’m crying now as I write this). We will have an amazing life and will guide you as best I can.
But there’s a lot of work ahead. It’s very daunting. So I’m finding this all to be very personal and I want to experience this journey in my own way. I appreciate that many others have done It, but this journey is my own and I am free to feel it and live it however it may be without “shoulds”, judgement or shame.
I had the loveliest chat to your Great Grannie (my grandmother) on the 14th August 2020. I wanted to ask her if she still knits. She said that as soon as I told her I was pregnant, she put down the phone and went and found her knitting book. She’s going to knit something for you in the same pattern that she knitted for my mum (your grandmother) and you great aunts and uncle. Isn’t that just so special!!
She also asked what colour, which my mum knew she’d want to know and so I’ve said turquoise. That’s a pretty colour and can be for any gender. We love that colour and it’s neutral. She also told me stories about breastfeeding and things from 1956!!! She’s nearly 90 and she’s still so switched on and remembers these things as if it was yesterday.
On Sunday, we had lunch with our friends Imogen, Brett and their two girls, and a couple of other friends joined us. Imo hadn’t told Brett or the girls yet, I was so surprised she kept it secret. So we told them together.
I said “hey girls. There’s a little baby growing in my tummy”.
They were so surprised and delighted instantly. Their little faces lit up, they’re 5 and 7, and they just looked at me with mouths open in awe. It was incredibly sweet and one of my favourite announcements so far.
Over lunch, the elder of the girls said grace. She said a little prayer and included “ I hope Emma and her baby are … are … healthy”.
OMG! I’m crying again. It was so sweet. I was holding Mathew and our friend Jamie’s hands, and they both squeezed my hand as she said that. It was really precious and special.
Their reactions just made my day. They also later tried to look up my dress to see the baby which we had to explain was NOT possible but they could look at my belly in a few months. They were already talking to my belly and kissing it. Just so gorgeous.
There are highs and lows baby. It’s a journey, that’s for sure.