I was doing so well …

I was doing so well. It’s only a few weeks to go and I was in such a good place. And then tonight I lost it.

I’ve been feeling better in myself. Obviously uncomfortable as I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. Getting up from sitting is a chore. I feel constantly full, but then can feel super hungry all of a sudden. I’m very hot and swollen but trying to keep cool and not complain.

To add to being almost 36 weeks pregnant, I’m currently in home quarantine. We’ve been here 11 days and have just 2 to go now. I was really doing so well considering.

But tonight I really lost it.

I was trying to get off the couch and I had to heave myself as always. I was going to get on the floor and do some stretches. I’d spoken to my aunty earlier who is a yoga teacher and she’d given me some suggestions for creating more space, so I thought I’d try. I took two pillows with me. And as I grabbed them off the couch I heard a crash.

I’d knocked my glass to the floor and it smashed everywhere.

I looked up at my husband surprised.
He looked back at me exasperated.

I said like a whiny child “it’s not my fault. I was just trying to get up!”

He said “I know. It’s just that it’s not the first time you’ve done it.”

I couldn’t believe it. I stood there with my mouth open.I dropped the pillows to the floor. I tried to rebut. I just puffed air and my mouth flapped. I had nothing left.

I rushed off to the bedroom, Threw myself on the bed (which quite hurt as any pressure / the slightest touch on my belly now hurts) and I just sobbed and sobbed.
I wailed.
I was over it.

All of the emotions. All of the being fed up. All of the feeling disgusting, gross, overweight, not myself. It all came rushing back.

My husband knew right away he had overreacted. I get it. He’s tired too.It’s been a long journey. But the lack of sympathy in that moment just tipped me over the edge.

I was hanging on. I was keeping it together. I was maintaining my calm.I was trying. I was even finding things to enjoy!!!! ME! Enjoying things in this late stage of pregnancy.

But this just reaffirmed how fucked up this whole pregnancy thing is.

How can anyone feel “the glow”?
How can anyone see this as beautiful?

I felt like a great big hippo. My size was all of a sudden so apparent to me. I wanted to pull off my skin and run away. I felt sick. My dinner rushing back to the top of my belly and making me feel nauseous as I lay there sobbing.

Is this beautiful?

No, this is reality. This is what we don’t see! On social media, rarely in movies, even in conversations with friends … we don’t see this pain.

The guy wrenching, heart aching, soul destroying pain that can come from something as ridiculous as getting up from the couch. A whopping reminder of what’s been endured. And i don’t necessarily mean physical pain. I mean the pain and ache in my heart for my old life. My un-pregnant life.

I’m so close to the end now. I’m counting down the sleeps.

The doctor said on the day of the birth a lot of women’s overwhelming feeling and emotion is relief.

Relief that baby is here and that their body can also start to be their own again.

I’m looking forward to that feeling. I’m aching for that feeling. I am hanging on for that day!

The kicks are so strong now. There’s hardly any room. I feel like baby could just burst out of my belly button any moment. It’s so sore and tender around there. If I bump it or get touched I yelp out.

My husband realised how much it had hurt me. I’d been coping so well. He agreed I had been. and was proud of me for having such a good attitude to all of it at this stage. Perhaps he’d forgotten without all the tears how truly challenging this is for me.

No one can understand until they’ve been there I guess. I certainly didn’t

But sympathy, compassion and patience can go a long way. And that’s all I need right now. Just a little bit of grace

A few more weeks.
Counting down.
I have never wanted anything more in my life.
I wish it could be excited for this new chapter.
But right now, I just want some relief.